The towering inferno inside me

The flames of anger stepping from helplessness died today. For over 4 days now, anyone that has tried to make a fool of me has been in the line of fire. A harmless friendly talk was met with stoned expressions and monosyllable answers. I'm glad its all over now and that I'm back to my sane-self. Its so difficult to get me to talk once I draw into one of those self-made shells and build a wall around myself, not allowing anyone to approach me. Well one person has always been successful( and will always be though i hat to admit that - stupid ego) and talks me out of it in 10 mins :)

The weekend was awful, despite the intermittent fun and frolic. I went to see the luminiscent Magnificent Mile Saturday evening. It was fun being a part of the 90000 crowd. I have never been to such a big event. Watching all the Walt Disney and characteristic Chicago floats pass by Michigan avenue was so good. For a minute it looked like Michigan Ave. was missing something - the bustling traffic that is a highlight of this busy road. It was closed to traffic that evening. The trees lining up the road decorated with small red, green, yellow lights were all switched on at the same moment. It looked so beautiful. The barks of the trees darned with lights surrounding the historic water tower stand distinctively separate from the rest. They look so beautiful. The weather was so cooperative too - it was a beautiful day.

Sunday, went for lunch with S and heard her pour her stories abt her job and date. It was a monologue - guess because i wasn't in a good mood that day. She is lonely too and needed someon to talk to - nice company. Not to forget the lousy food - well food can never be lousy - respect any food that you eat for there are hundreds who got to bed without a meal (can heard those words of someone reverberating in my ears-taken )...the food was good! :)

Looking fwd to the holidays eagerly!

Chat Culture
It has its blessings and curses. Since Thursday last, I'm cursing it all the time. It was another long working night ahead of me and all the people from work had logged onto AOL Instant Messenger. I was so sleepy that night, that when mom buzzed me on Yahoo!, I started responding to her. We started talking about my work and how it sucked off late because of those late hours. I'm not a night person and one who needs atleast 8 hours of sleep every night to be sane the next morning. This was one reason i dreaded taking up this job anticipating the long hours my former counterpart had put in. But it wasn't all that bad for the first few months and i realised it was just OVERDONE when there was no need for it.
Well, anyways so i started talking to mom about how stressful the job was and how much politics was going on and that i hated it! Huh...i didn't look at the monitor while my fingers frantically tapped at the keyboard. After i got my frustration out in the form of words to my mom, i look up at the monitor and I'm shocked. It was a fiasco. I had typed in all those sentences to the client. Huh...the initial reaction was to say "Sorry" and i just closed the window. Subsequent requests to join the conference chat were rejected by me. Instantly i found about 4 windows blinking in blue on - these were colleagues from my company who were a part of the conference chat and warning me all the time :
One guy said, "Wrong window syndrome"
Another said, "Watch out. Be careful".
Yet another said, "Stop it. Are you ok? Whats happening?"

How i wish i had looked at the monitor..All their warnings went in vain and the damage was done.

Tim immediately asked me "Is everything ok?" I just replied "Yes". He is one person i have started admiring for his practicality. Very hard on the surface though, I'm trying to understand him better! He is the most supportive when you least expect him to be. With him, you have to look beyond the obvious to see that he is actually with you and not with the rest though it might seem otherwise.

I receovered myself after a good 30 minutes after speaking to a friend and then to my dad. Dad's words really helped. He said "Well what you said was true. So long as you didn't take names it is ok". I was so tempted to call V. It was 1:45 a.m. and didn't want to wake him up. However i left a message and next morning he called me up. It felt good after talking to him. What happened couldn't be reverted. Everyone knew what i had said. I joined the chat later that night but remained very quiet throught the night and the following day. This tension hovered over me.

It taught me to be extra careful @ work in the future!

Phobias, Manias, Philias

Yes. The words above describe extreme behavioral patterns like fear, obsession or pathlogical attraction to something. I have been looking for a specific term and I'm disappointed for not having found it. Fear of 'Periplaneta americana'. The term 'Periplaneta Americana' brings back memories of 9th Std. Biology? Well thats right, its the scientific name for that dirty insect called 'Cockroach'. Surprisingly, there is no term to describe on's fear for the insect. I assume I'm not the only one who is so scared of that lil creepy thing. All the adjectives used to describe bad, dirty, shabby, disgusting fits it well. Wonder why HE created it. We would have been so much better off without it. And I wonder why it survived all the big extinctions, since Carboniferous period.

I'm really paranoid when i see this lil creature hopping around my house. I can't sleep for nights together, get nightmares of my home filled with cockroaches in dreams! I hate its (obviously the cockroach's) ATTITUDE when it invades my space and goes around as though it owns it..its haughty attitude all too evident when its antennae dance around with pride, as though they are teasing me! I just can't stand it and scream so loud when it starts flying. The fear for cockroaches in me grew when I saw lots of big ones flying in Kumbakonam. Once you switch off the lighst in kitchen and go back after half an hour later, one can see literally 50 of them in that 20*20 feet space. Its no exaggeration! There have been days when i have found them on my blanket sharing the bed with me. Had one of those horrid experiences in Bangalore too when the goddamn son of the owner sprayed some goddamn insecticide. They got away from his part of the house but entered mine. Mom and i had such a hard time sleeping that night as my bed was filled with about 20 of them ...huh...I shifted out of my paying guest accomodation for the same reason..there were cockroaches and rats. Man...I hate Bangalore :( for its cockroaches and rats!


Well well my memory of those horrid experiences came flahsing back when i saw a funny movie. I believe the name of the movie was "the great outdoors". There are these 2 families camping and one night, the lady comes out screaming that 'something' touched her. Her husband remarks "so what honey, it has been touching you for the past 12 years and you have never objected!". It was so funny because he thought she was referring to his hand on her :) And lo! They see a bat flying....Everyone gets up. Following are the few statements they make:


It has got ears
It is flying (wasn't that too obvious)
It has eyes
It has got wings
It is coming towards us

And all of them dash out of the house. Its time for the men to show off their bravery. Without a startegy, they step into the house and come out as fast as they entered remarking "It is heavy - a 2 pounder..we need to draw a plan to kill that thing".
Later the two guys go in with brickbats, wooden basket to cover their head (protection you know), aiming aimlessly at it....huh it was fun! This reminded me of my ghastly encounters with cockroach..how i would aim at it from 20 feet with a small slipper and almost always miss it :( So anyways, they killed it finally!


That was cockroach and bats for you!

Private Moments
Have you ever
1. Felt very vulnerable for no reason ?
2. Woken up one morning and felt really down ?
3. Someone walked up to you and said something sweet and you burst into tears, feeling later like a stupid ?

Well, I experienced all of the above this morning. I burst into tears and i don't have any reasons, no answers or excuses to offer. So what if i felt like crying, i did - but dammit it was not a private place like my private moments, it was a public place - my office.

I wonder what one sleepless night can do to me - it turns me into a walking zombie - normal from a distance and an animal within proximity. I run wild and stop thinking with a clear head, its good once in a while you know! It gives me the courage to snap at people and drive them up the wall without feeling guilty later on- what a delight!

That was my day. I'm awake working again - its fun, believe me. Once i cross the deadly hour of 11 i can stay awake any longer i want to. Gazing out the window, the whole world is so serene, deserted roads, cool breeze blowing. With soft hindi music playing in the background, i have started loving working at this hour from my favourite work place - secluded room of mine. Thanks to the connected world - a paradigm shift in work! Wonder why companies in India can't promote "work from home" concept. Well "work at night form home" would be all the more better - what do you say?

Terrific weekend
Life has just been swinging since last evening. I feel so good...ummm well not that i have been feeling bad all these months. I like staying by myself and spending time alone ..but i realise i don't mind spending hours amongst strangers either! Its something i have never done before..going to dinners with people i have never met in my life. It would be a shock to friends who have known me for years, that the introvert in me is slowly giving way to the carefree kid inside. I know where this carefree don't-give-a-damn attitude is budding from. Well he saw this lil girl in the winter of '99..you did study people for 4 years and i believe it now :) I can faintly recall those words .."let your hair fall down and don't throw caution to the winds of change". Man was i impressed..i was. I fell for his words in the summer of '99..long before i thought it happened. Accident and thereafter is just a convincing cover story for myself and everyone around!

Fun Friday
Having said all this, let me narrate the events of this weekend. Friday evening, conincidentally H and H (H's friend) left office with me. I was leaving at my usual time. It was rather late for them for a typical Friday evening. They had plans to goto the movie Elephant and were meeting friends downtown. H asked me earlier in the day if i would like to join him. I declined considering it would be very late when i return and thought it was no safe to take a risk second time in 1 week. I'll come to it later what happened earlier this week and why i'm being so cautious. H coaxed me into going to dinner with him. I wasn't sure but i was willing to try. Since this Tuesday i have felt the urge to make friends in this city, call it selfish or whatever but for a girl living in such a big city alone is not easy sometimes. So long as things go fine, its fine. When they don't, they can be really bad :( The words Vivek spoke were playing in my mind all the time since last Sunday, when he said do you know who to call if there's an emergency. I didn't have an answer an he knew it. He also knows i'm not the kind who will pick up the phone and ask someone to come over for the silliest of reasons until i have not put a fight. So i agreed to H and we walked over to Sheraton to pick his mom's friend and her husband. Then we went to a middle-eastern restaurant called Rezaa's. The food was yummy ..i loved it. We were met there by H's roommate - another H-Hiromi :). She is such a lovely Japanese girl. In H's words, she is as much sane as he is insane. He is funny and she is so sweet. H and his 2 other guy roommmates are jugglers and Hiromi i persume would go nuts watching these guys upto their antics at their home. Come to think of it, i want to learn how to juggle balls. I want to do something different apart from the shit work i do. I think i'll start sketching again. Anyways so Hiromi and a professor of hers who teaches art in the University of Iowa joined us at dinner. It was kind of awkward for a few minutes in the beginning but we hit off well pretty soon and made a really good conversation for the next 3 hours. After dinner H tells me "I'm so glad you came out with us". I am glad i went out too. And he meant it when he said i could call him anytime i'm in need of help. I know i wouldn't bother him but it felt so good to hear those words in a strange big bad city! I wish i could have gone for the movie with them but i just wanted to get back home and sleep to get up in time Saturday to prepare lunch for Sarah. As promised, H and others dropped me back home though i insisted on taking a cab back home and they could go to the movie. It was nice of him.
V always tells me "So long as you hold your self-esteem very high, no one can hurt you. I think thats very true. Only when you agree to everything to what others say , do you give them the right to treat you like shit. And i don't think i will ever do that."

Shopping Saturday
Well that was Friday. Saturday began with the customary electronic conversations with mom dad and guinea p :) I can see gp growing up..his need to talk to me, relate to me, i feel closer to him now after all these years of tensions. I hope it gets better. Sarah came home for lunch..we had a nice talk..enjoyed Indian food and went shopping for a whooping 5 hours. It was kinda fun to have her around. I'm looking forward to a dinner at R's place tomorrow. Huh..as though HIM heard me, i'm surrounded by people..so much unlike me.

The event earlier this week that i mentioned was this. I was stranded at a grocery store about 5 blocks away from home. On the way back home i got down to buy a few things. In the few minutes when i was gone inside, the clouds decided to give way to rains and it poured and poured so heavily that one couldn't even cross the streets. There i was stuck for a good 1 hour without an umbrella and no taxi passing by. Had it been any other day i wouldn't have bothered. That night i had planned on getting back home and getting a couple of hours sleep as i had to stay up the whole night. I couldn't do that eventually. What upset me---------

1. What was i doing in this city and what would happen if something was to happen and no on would even notice for hours?
2. I saw people frantically pressing numbers on their cellphones calling their trusted ones to come n pick them up..and here i was standing there holding the phone but no number to call..silently watching people waiting with me and leaving within 10 minutes to be eplacd by a new set of people cursing the rain..until finally standing alone with helplessness surging inside.
3. Why had i picked this day (though i knew the answer that i didn't have time during the weekend) and why hadn't i carried a umbrella?

I felt helpless and it made be very sad but was brave enough to make it the the rain finally to the bus stop when all taxis refused to stop by - its a goddamn survival. I came home and listened to "Socha nahi tha.." and it put a smile back on my frowning face. Someone rightly said "People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles."

Mundane updates
Movie lunches - a new concept started at work. In the conference room, a movie is played in 2 parts on consecutive days. It was "Office Space" this time. I missed the previous part played yesterday. Tim updated me on what happened in the first part . He had warned me a long time back that the movie has a lot of swearing, but i didn't mind. It is fun to watch a movie @ work, sad that not all people turn up. I liked this particular dialogue in the movie - "I can never be happy with my job. But if you are with me, i can be happy with my life".
I'm in a very bad today - can't pinpoint the reason or whats causing these strange mood swings. Nothing actually happened. Nothing is missing in life this morning. Everything is just the same as it has been for months. I suspect the cause for this is because the time's approaching. Its so strange that i wake up one morning and don't feel like talking to anybody, just snap at people in meetings , can't take bullshit, and can't stand when somebody else tries to act smart by answering my questions - why the hell can't people mind their own business!

Ayways i just want the day to get over. A friend reminded me of V last night and i missed him so much. At times i feel its better if no one makes a mention of him because i know what the situation is and i try to live with it. When someone mentions it this stupid cranky lil brain of mine starts processing analysing and lo - i feel bad!

Descent inot darkness
Working into the wee hours this Halloween weekend, it was truly a descent into darkness. Descent in every aspect - all our efforts to meet the goal did not succeed! Partly lack of the 3Cs - coordination, communication and commitment accounted to the failure. Its all a part of the big game. But strangely it has given me an immense confidence to get this thing going and an inner strength not to lie down until the task is finished - so typical of me. mmm...that was the darker side.

The brighter side was the V had come down. And we spent soem amazing time in the limited hours i got to spend with him.