Inner Fears
Separation. Uncertainty. Confusion. Frustration. Repeated Failures.
These states have not made me immune. They have not made me strong. They enhance the inner fears that i live with. Almost certainly they show in my face and voice without my realisation.
I am struggling to come out of it - low on confidence today.
Developing application don't make me happy anymore. Advance in IT doesn't intrigue me. Me, me, me - enough of it. I don't want to bother about myself so much that it causes me disappointment, unhappiness. Am i going into the Ayn Rand era - no doubt in a confused state of mind. i know for sure i don't enjoy what i do. I know "Passion pushes one forward. So do what you know and love."

Our system has to change. Why is it that Indian Parents want their kids to become a MBA, doctor, software engineer, engineer - in that order? Why not a civil service worker, a librarian or an administrator? Why is it that their dreams are forced upon kids? I fully agree that am an independent person and maybe succeessful for many because:
1. Am an employee of a "TATA" company - the stigma attaced to TATA BIRLA is still prevalent in India.
2. As a consequence of 1, I get a decent salary at the end of every month to sustain myself.
3. Its a job in the most successful and talked about industry - the money minting software industry.

After a 4 year stint, i am NOT happy. I exist and do the work, rather create work so that i ensure i have a job. "Insecure" feeling creeps in any software engineer's mind who has been out of work for more than 2 weeks. The devil's workshop churns out numerous questions like this :

Am i replaceable?
Am i a overhead to the company?
Will i get laidoff?
Have i lost my importance?

The constant need to prove oneself tires me in the long run. I grew up with a dream of becoming either joining the Indian Foreign Service. I wanted to become a diplomat because of my passion for traveling to different countries. U.S was one country that i never wanted to travel to. Canada was one that i always wanted to visit. The Indian civil service system scared my parents and they didn't want me to join.

I don't blame them because their dream is to see their kids settled in life. Not to struggle for a living. They have gone through the hardships in life, going to school with wet clothes because they had only one pair of clothes. Got beaten up for coming naked because there was nothing to wear but the passion to study draw them to school. Am very lucky for having everything. HUMANs can never be satisfied, you have it all, yet you want more.